


I Rebuild When I Break Down

by LouiseLouise



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Evan Buckley Deserves Nice Things, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 03:00:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21313066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouiseLouise/pseuds/LouiseLouise
Summary: In another world Buck accepts the settlement money and leaves. This is the story of why, and of what happens afterwards.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 177





	I Rebuild When I Break Down

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by [justsmilesstuffhappens's post on Tumblr](https://justsmilestuffhappens.tumblr.com/post/188708924393/i-look-forward-to-the-crying-session-do-me-a).
> 
> Unbeta'd, all mistakes are mine / English is not my first language.
> 
> Title from "Pluto" by Sleeping At Last. I wrote part of this fic listening to their amazing album "Atlas".
> 
> Mild spoilers in the end notes for Buck's love life in the fic if you need it.

“I don’t need an answer right now, “ Buck’s lawyer says, giving him back the piece of paper with the amount the city offers him as settlement. “Just go home, grab a beer and picture what your life could look like with that in your bank account, okay pal?” He pats Buck on the shoulder and pushes him out the door.

I don’t need 2 days to choose, Buck thinks as he steps out of the guy’s office. I’m not abandoning my family, period.

He tries calling Eddie, but goes straight to voicemail. He wants to ask if Christopher still has nightmares like he does, about waves crashing on top of them and corpses floating above his head, but they’re not back to that kind of relationship yet, so he just leaves a message asking for advice, begging his best friend to just talk to him. 

For a minute he wonders if he should just show up at Eddie’s place to see them both, to make sure they do talk, to assure them that he’s here to stay, despite everything. But he’s having dinner with Maddie tonight so the visit’s gonna have to wait.

-

“What if your leg breaks again, Evan? Maddie asks, putting the plates on the table, her hands shaking a bit. It’s just the two of them tonight and it’s strange how somehow Buck was expecting Chimney to be here when they haven’t seen each other since the lawsuit started.  
“It could break anyway Maddie, it’s part of the job description, none of us is magicly protected against breaking a limb, or inhaling smoke at some point.”  
“Oh great that’s reassuring, thank you,” Maddie’s voice is trembling and Buck isn’t sure if she’s gonna cry or yell at him or both, but he knows he hates seeing his sister like that, vulnerable and sad. The last thing he wants is to cause her pain.  
“What if you get hurt during an intervention and you’re too weak to save people or worse, to save yourself?” she stares at him and he shuts his mouth, keeping to himself another argument to support his case. Instead he just puts his arms around her, hugging her tightly, and promises to think about it for real.

She’s wrong about one point though, the worse wouldn’t be not saving himself.

-

Buck wakes up on Maddie’s couch to the sound of someone dropping their keys in the metal bowl of the entryway.  
“Hey,” he says, making Chimney jump out of surprise.  
“Oh, hey. Sorry. I had no idea you’d still be here.” Chimney pauses. “Tell Maddie I’ll come back later.”  
“Wait Chimney,” Buck stands up and walks toward him before he leaves. “Can we talk? I know we’re not supposed to but it’s kind of a big deal and honestly I could use some adv-”  
“Maddie told me about the money,” Chimney cuts him, the most neutral tone in his voice Buck had ever heard. “Good for you man,” he nods, and before Buck can reply anything Chimney’s out of the door.

-

Buck thinks again about showing up at Eddie’s. He drives all the way there, waiting in his car for a moment, gathering the courage to go knock on the door, rehearsing the words he wants to say, and it takes a while before he notices that the car in the driveway is not Eddie’s, it’s Carla’s.   
He could just knock. It’s be easier talking with her and he knows she’d let him see Chris for sure. He could use her wisdom too. But somehow it would feel like cheating, betraying his best friend’s trust, to take advantage of his absence.

So he goes to the nearest gas station and buys some notebook and a pen, and sits in his car to put down all those words he’s been rehearsing. It’s a mess and in the end he’s not sure it would help. Paper doesn’t convey his feelings like a conversation would. He throws the draft into a ball on the passenger seat and starts a new one.

The letter he writes is for Christopher. It’s simple and kind, and he makes sure it’s only about how much he cares about the kid, how he can’t wait to see him again and how he knows Chris is stronger than any nightmare he could have, and not about how his dad and him are not that close these days, or why he’s not around lately.  
He puts the letter in an envelope he makes from one of the pages of the notebook like he and Maddie used to do when they were little and writing to their best friends during summer, and puts the envelope in Eddie’s mailbox.   
“Hi Carla,” he texts her, still sitting in his car on the opposite side of the road, eyes on Eddie’s front door. “there’s a letter for Chris in the mailbox, would you mind giving him please?”  
He sends and wait, wanting to make sure she finds it. Next time he’ll write one for her, because she needs to know how important she’s been to him and the difference her presence made.

He has no way to make sure she’ll give Chris the letter without showing it to Eddie first, no way to be sure Eddie will let Chris read it, but it’s out of his hands now, and all he can do is go home and make a choice.

-

The drive home is quiet and cold as he replays the past two days in his mind, and it just dawns on him that the choice is already made.

-

Packing is quicker than he thought, his apartment full of emptiness and broken dreams. There’s a box of photographs from his childhood and a few books he cherishes, some clothes. A mug Maddie made for him that year she thought pottery was her calling. His meds, though it’s the one thing he’d love to forget about, it’s also the one thing his body actually needs these days.

-

He thinks about buying the biggest mansion by the sea, maybe have his own private helicopter, just because he can now. It’ll show them, he thinks for a second, before realising that no, it will not show them because they won’t even know and they sure don’t even care.

In the morning he kicks his mattress in the back of his jeep, grabs the suitcase with all his belongings. He cleans the breakfast table, closes the door behind him and just starts to drive. 

He waits until the city is out of sight behind him before calling the lady from the real estate agency to make arrangements to rent the place.

-

Buck drives with his eyes on the road and nothing else at first, his mind too heavy to let his eyes look for beauty around him. He stops when he’s tired or hungry. He cries without noticing it, blaming the dusty road when he does, pushing away the feeling of having lost everything, torn between regretting his decision and reminding himself that no one cared enough to stop him from leaving.

He sleeps in the car or in motels depending on where he is. He knows he could afford the fancy hotels with room service, pretty egyptian cotton sheets and bathtubs, but the less he thinks about what that money could buy the less he has to think about what it cost him.

He tries the local bars and sits alone, no matter who’s trying to buy him a drink. No amount of flirting is gonna pass through the new walls he’s built around his heart.

Loneliness suits me, he repeats himself. He’d survived being alone for so long, before entering that fire station on his first day, they’re no reason he couldn’t handle being alone again.

-

It’s wednesday when he stops at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, parking next to a bus full of kids on a field trip. He’s waiting in line to pay for chips and a sandwich, not completely aware of the kids running around the shop happily choosing candies and keychain souvenirs.  
The adult in front of the line turns toward him with a shy smile. “I’m so sorry we’re taking so long,” she says,” do you wanna just go ahead to pay? We can wait.”  
“What?” The question pulls him out of his own thoughts and he starts noticing the group around him, the enthusiastic voices and the laughters. He doesn’t mind waiting, he has all the time in the world now, nowhere to go. “Oh no it’s okay”, he finally answers.

There’s a kid in line, curly hair and glasses, reminding him of Christopher and Buck has to focus real hard on the content of his sandwich to stop himself from crying. He misses the kid so damn much, and part of him would give anything to go back to those happy days, before the lawsuit, before an angry kid put a bomb on a truck and changed his life forever.

It’s useless to think like that, he tells himself. They don’t need him there anymore and he’s got the whole world ahead of him to explore.

-

There’s a lake, and some cabins around it and the local diner has the best pear pie Buck’s ever tasted, and it’s all it takes for him to stay more than one day like he usually does. 

One more day after one more day and he’s been there a week, trying everything on the menu and making friends with the waitresses.

One more week after one more week and it’s now been a month, and Suzie suggests, as she brings him his usual slice of pie, he should rent one of the cabins, it’ll be cosier than the motel rooms.

It’s small, with a fireplace and a huge couch and it’s perfect after a day hiking around the lake and exploring the many paths through the woods. It’s perfect to wake up in and forget about the rest of the world outside the town’s limits.

The colors start changing on the trees and in the fields, and Buck starts to breathe without having the weight of the world on his chest. 

One more month after one more month and people in town know his name now. They call him Evan and talk about him when he’s not there, imagining what could possibly bring such a young healthy boy in a place like this. He doesn’t share much and they wouldn’t ask, they just wonder.

He helps Suzie one night because the diner is full and there are too many orders to take. Some dentist convention at the hotel, she says, happens once a year, usually they hire extras but Tommy got sick and Leia’s sitter canceled last minute.

He’s happy to help, talking with Suzie between orders, smiling to the customers and making sure everything’s fine. It’s an odd feeling, like discovering something new but still remembering he used to feel that way everyday, in another life. Maybe he could take one more shift every now and then.

-

“Happy 1 Year” the cake says and Buck tries to hide the tears in his eyes when Suzie shows up at the cabin on a friday, followed by almost all of Buck’s coworkers from all the jobs he helped with that past year.   
There are way too many cars parked outside considering the space allowed to vehicles and a impressive amount of gifts piling up on the coffee table. Everyone is mingling in the small living room and on the porch, the guys from the auto shop, the team from the diner and the elementary school teachers. Bob from the nursing home couldn’t make it because someone still needs to keep an eye on the patients, but he sent a video that his husband helped him with. 

For a moment it feels like having a family again, or at least the next best thing. For a moment Buck thinks he can forget what he lost a long time ago. But the moment passes and Buck wonders if he made a mistake staying that long in the same place. It wasn’t the plan when he left. Exploring was the plan. Not getting attached to new people. Using the time and the money he had. Enjoying his freedom.

Maybe I should leave, he thinks, stepping out of the cabin for a breath of fresh air. It’s dark outside now and the sky is full of stars, more than he ever saw before. It’s both comforting and scarry, feeling so small in a universe so wide.

“Hey,” Linda says, joining him after a while. “A penny for your thoughts?” she asks smiling. She hired him at the library after he helped the teachers set some new reading activities for the elementary classes. To nobody’s surprise in town the kids instantly loved him, and so did the moms and dads.  
“I just needed some fresh air,” Buck answers, which is not completely a lie.  
“Here,”, she says holding out an envelope with the library’s logo on it. “We hope you say yes, but you just take your time, okay? Whatever you want, we’re fine with it.”

Buck doesn’t get to open that envelope until everyone’s gone, hours later.

It’s a job offer. A long time position, working with the kids as a liaison between the library and the school.

They’re asking him to stay. Those people he met not more than a year ago, are offering him a space in their lives and Buck has no idea what to do.

-

He calls Suzie to tell her about the offer and she lasts less than five minutes before admitting that she already knew about it, and she even found a new cake recipe to try whether it’s to celebrate the news or a going away party.  
“Whatever you decide, I just hope it makes you happy,” she says, “though I’d really love it if you stayed,” she adds because her mother taught her that telling people how you feel is important, especially those your consider your best friends.

-

The next day he swings by the auto shop to get his car checked, just in case he decides to leave.  
“A little check up before winter comes, or are you going somewhere?” Lou asks, greasy hands and wide smile. It’s no surprise the entire town already knows about the job offer, Buck’s used to it by now. It’s kind of heartwarming how everybody seems to genuinely care, though.  
“Not sure yet,” Buck answers, because not hiding his truth is easier than pretending these days.  
“Well I hope you stay ‘til the Winter Fair at least,” Lou says before grabbing some tools to start working on the car. “There’s a Santa contest trophee with your name on it,” voice smothered from under the car.

-

Buck sits in the small office turned waiting room next to the garage, so many thoughts whirling in his mind. He takes out the notebook and the pen that had never left the gloves box to start writing pros and cons.

He thinks about the last letter he wrote on that. His heart still does this weird twist when he thinks about it, about them, but there’s some kind of peace to it now too. The memories have become a part of the puzzle that made him who he is now, they don’t feel like a missing piece anymore.

He thinks about the texts he still gets from Maddie when he sends pictures of the places he goes hiking. He doesn’t write her much, mostly pictures and the promise that he’s safe, that he’s fine. She doesn’t talk about their common friends anymore, he never commented back on that so at some point she stopped. Now she’s telling him about the books she’s reading, the movies she’s discovering that they’d missed during their childhood. She’s getting better at replicating Suzie’s pie recipe and the pictures Buck shows Suzie look more and more like pies and less and less like a Nailed It contestant.

-

The notebook stays blank, the arguments only playing in his head.

-

The drive home is quiet and sunny as he replays the past two days in his mind, and it just dawns on him that the choice is already made.

-

His apartment in LA sells in less than five days, furniture included. He wouldn’t know what to do with the giant couch and everything else in the small cabin anyway. 

He makes a tag with his name for the mailbox, his mind already wondering what kind of flowers and herbs he could grow in the garden, come next spring. 

Just like the ground beneath the snow, Buck’s heart is resting, healing.  
Just like the seeds when the days get long and warm, this heart will grow new roots until he’s strong enough to bloom again.  
Until one day the next best thing is just the one best thing and Buck feels home again.

He has a Santa costume to prepare before even thinking about Spring though.

**Author's Note:**

> Buck doesn't get a new love interest in this fic.   
It's not a Buddie fic either, though it can be read as such (which means there's a breakup implied but not written)


End file.
